Pontoon boat front ladder

It’s boating season now that summer has arrived. We were riding papas pontoon boat and the kids decided they wanted to go tubing. We get the tube ready, my sons cousin (6y) and my son (3y) and I are riding the tube behind the boat. We hit a rogue wave that bounces me off the tube backwards due to some crappy grip I had behind the kids and both kids stay on for a second until they are bounced off from the weight shift. Both kids did great for being scared when they went in the water. Their lifejackets did the jobs they were supposed to. My son was in a type 2 so it flipped him right side up and the others lifejacket type 3 had him up in the water. They both had isr swimming lessons and it was the first time being put to the test with my son. Make sure your kids are wearing life jackets and hopefully get into swimming lessons to help them in an emergency situation. Just a reminder as we head into summer.
I also learned that I can beat Micheal Phelps in a swimming race if the need arises. Lol.

I’m new to this sub and read through some posts about jimmy/Steve. There seem to be mixed feelings towards him. Overall, I love his character. I just got to the part where he gets on the boat with Narcos after Estefania was deported. When Steve was first introduced I wasn’t a huge fan, but through his housewife story I really started to like him.
Love Fiona too, but honestly I think she could’ve treated him better. He was really living her life and she shouldn’t have been so selfish about him going back to med school. I just feel bad for him. I’m guessing he didn’t tell her about everything going on with Estefania because he didn’t want to get her involved? That wasn’t super clear, but considering how they killed a man in front of him I think he was probably just trying to protect her. Overall, I wish Fiona and everyone else had just treated him better.

1550 oz.
I fucking hate boats. I hate canoes. I hate those stupid pontoons where you can bbq and fish off the back while getting drunk AF and spilling your horde into the great abyss. I may try a SeaDoo next.
Anyone else caught in this doom-loop? Anyone else incapable of stopping themselves from recommitting to buying more shiny and eventually using them as terrible fishing lures?
Sigh. Back to the LCS I go.
Keep stacking, my fellow Degens.

I was due to have a flat inspection of my rented flat which is usually carried out every six months by the letting agent last Wednesday. I am on a rolling month contract and have lived here for three years with few issues.
I couldn't take time off work for the inspection so I said the letting agent could let themselves in with their key.
Before leaving for work I on the off-chance switched on the camera I use to keep an eye on my cat when I'm away overnight. It's motion-actived, doesn't record audio, and it's out in the open in my kitchen, not hidden.
I saw from my camera that no inspection was carried out on the agreed date. Camera worked fine, it recorded me leaving for work and coming home again and picked up my cat at multiple times throughout the day. You have to walk past the camera's field of view to literally access any part of the flat. It's right by the front door.
I rang my letting agent just before I left work at 5pm to ask if they still intended to attend that day and the woman I spoke to said she herself had carried out the inspection at 11am.
I was about to say that I knew that wasn't true as I had video evidence that no one had been in but stopped at the last second in case there could be any issues with me recording visitors (particularly letting agents) without their consent.
I don't really want to rock the boat as I like the flat and don't want to fall out with them but surely they aren't fulfilling their obligation to the landlord (or to me as their tenant) by not carrying out the inspection but saying they did.

If anyone would like to share their thoughts/revisions, I would greatly appreciate it!
​
CONTEXT: The portraits I'm referring to are The Armada Portrait of Queen Elizabeth I and Rosie The Riviter
​
​
The Armada Portrait: Femininity and Power
Elizabeth I, daughter of Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn, ruled England from 1558 to 1603. “She was very well-educated (fluent in five languages) and had inherited intelligence, determination, and shrewdness from both parents.” (royal.uk) She assembled a group of intelligent advisors but reserved the ability to make final decisions. “The image of Elizabeth's reign is one of triumph and success. The Queen herself was often called 'Gloriana', 'Good Queen Bess' and 'The Virgin Queen'.“(royal.uk) Elizabeth’s “Virgin Queen” title came from her rejection of men and devotion to god and all things holy, as it would solidify her spot in the hierarchy. “Elizabeth herself refused to 'make windows into men's souls ... there is only one Jesus Christ and all the rest is a dispute over trifles'; she asked for outward uniformity.” (royal.uk)
The artist portrayed Elizabeth I in an intentionally exaggerated feminine light, as an integral part of her reign was her pureness as a woman. In the portrait, she is wearing a large and intricate dress that hides the true shape of most of her body but accentuates her cinched waist and pale face. The dress is adorned with numerous pink bows, pearls, and embroidered flowers. Pearls hold an important significance to Elizabeth’s reign as they represent her preserved virginity.“Pearls symbolize Elizabeth’s chastity and connect her to Cynthia, the Greek goddess of the Moon, who was a virgin and therefore seen as 'pure'.” (rmg.co.uk) Pearls are embedded into her dress, but they are also attached to the top of the crown in the background of the portrait, tying Elizabeth I to the monarchy. “As Elizabeth’s reign wore on, her status as “Virgin Queen” became an increasingly important symbol of her devotion to her kingdom, and of the security of the realm.” (smarthistory.org)
The portrait paints Queen Elizabeth I surrounded by objects that hint at her plans for overseas power. Behind her, there are portraits of English ships thriving and Spanish ships sinking.
The portrait was painted to celebrate the defeat of the invading Spanish navy. Elizabeth rests her hand on the globe, and on either side of her head are two windows: through the left the Armada approaches; to the right the fleet is scattered and sinking under stormy skies. (smarthistory.org)
These portraits display the strength of England’s naval army, implying her nation’s desire for overseas domination. She is facing the portrait of English boats in calm waters, signifying her as a calm force. Elizabeth I’s gentle grasp on the globe in front of her supports this, as it is delicately draped over the top of it, depicting Elizabeth I quite literally with the whole world in her hands. Her soft handling demonstrates how the English thought they were in the right in their plans, as she would show a gentle and good-natured reign.
Elizabeth I exaggerated her femininity and pureness to advantage her as a monarch. She began her reign, exercising her divine right in her first speech.
…considering I am God's creature, ordained to obey His appointment, I will thereto yield, desiring from the bottom of my heart that I may have assistance of His grace to be the minister of His heavenly will in this office now committed to me. (encyclopedia.com)
In this speech, she set up the foundation she would rely on and use to be considered one of the most successful rulers England would have, as she described her divine right leveraging herself above other men yearning for her spot on the throne. “She portrays herself as a woman subservient to the highest male authority, providing her a status superior to all other men.” (stars.library.ucf.edu) Elizabeth’s image was carefully doctored to convey wealth, authority and power, both at home and abroad. In the portrait, you see Elizabeth I wearing an incredibly extravagant dress.
In Elizabeth’s era, dress was also a means of expressing social hierarchy and the Queen believed that one's dress should suit, but not exceed, one's rank. Elizabeth's appearance stressed her rank as head of state and church, and 'pecking order' was reinforced by legal restrictions. (rmg.co.uk)
These outfits were specifically designed to create contrast between her and the common folk, highlighting her greatness and pounding in her superiority as monarch.
All of Elizabeth I’s character is etched into the portrait, as it references her desire and plans for overseas, depicts her in an extravagant dress that points out her place at the top of the hierarchy, and has her dripping in pearls, which bring everything back to her devotion to god that keeps her at the top of the monarchy. All of these symbols and references make this painting the ultimate example of everything Elizabeth I’s reign stood for.
Norman Rockwell’s Rosie The Riveter was created in 1943 to inspire women to join the U.S. workforce amid World War II. It depicts a female figure rolling up her sleeve flexing with a speech bubble that reads: “We Can Do It!”. The figure is wearing a riveter’s uniform, a blue jumpsuit, and a red polka-dotted bandana tying a bow in her hair. She has a look of determination painted on her face, beckoning American women to join her ranks at work. She is rolling up her sleeve to reveal a muscular arm as if proving that she, a woman, was strong enough to do this work, and showing the same American women that they are too.
These two portraits pose an interesting juxtaposition between the two displays of female power. While Elizabeth I emphasizes and capitalizes on her’s, Rosie defeminizes herself to be able to prove her strength and inspire others to do the same. Interestingly, because Elizabeth I played up her femininity instead of masking it like Rosie, the Armada Portrait could be seen as more progressive than Rosie, as she has to make herself more like a man to be strong. On the flip side, Elizabeth’s severe exaggeration of her femininity almost strips it away from her, as it becomes a symbol rather than her own form of self-expression. These two portraits are such contrasting forms of political propaganda, with Rosie’s portrait being made to inspire the masses to find the power inside them, and Elizabeth’s portrait being made for people to recognize her power, definitely not to find their own. One consistency throughout the two portraits is the bows. From the 1800’s to the 50’s bows remained a symbol of femininity. In Elizabeth I’s portraits, she is heavily adorned with bows, as they hem the lining of her gown. In Rosie’s portrait, she has a red bandana that is dotted with white polka dots tied in a bow around her head. Bows equating to femininity have stood the test of time, as two iconic portraits that represent such contrasting messages use them for the same purpose.
WORKS CITED:
Faraday, Dr. Christina, and Dr. Christina Faraday. “Portraits of Elizabeth I: Fashioning the Virgin Queen.” Smarthistory**, 7 Aug. 2020, smarthistory.org/portraits-of-elizabeth-i/.**
“Symbolism in Portraits of Queen Elizabeth I.” Royal Museums Greenwich**, www.rmg.co.uk/stories/topics/symbolism-portraits-queen-elizabeth-i. Accessed 24 May 2023.**
Household, Royal. “Elizabeth I (r.1558-1603).” The Royal Family**, www.royal.uk/elizabeth-i#:~:text=Elizabeth%20succeeded%20to%20the%20throne,most%20glorious%20in%20English%20history. Accessed 29 May 2023.**
Rohrs, Mark. “Elizabeth Tudor: Reconciling Femininity and Authority.” STARS**, 2005, stars.library.ucf.edu/etd/383/.**
.“." Elizabethan World Reference Library. . Encyclopedia.Com. 25 May. 2023 .” Encyclopedia.Com**, 30 May 2023, www.encyclopedia.com/humanities/news-wires-white-papers-and-books/speeches-elizabeth-i.**
“Elizabeth I’s Royal Wardrobe.” Royal Museums Greenwich**, www.rmg.co.uk/stories/topics/elizabeth-royal-wardrobe#:~:text=Dress%20and%20social%20status,nation’s%20growing%20stature%20and%20confidence. Accessed 30 May 2023.**

timestamp:https://imgur.com/rwRHK8r

• Centurion Arms Glock 17 Gen 3 Custom Slide milled for Holosun 509t. $410 in this config from them. Very few rounds through it and shows almost no wear. Selling stripped but can sell it complete for additional. $225
• Tenicor ARX Glock 43-43x new $75
• Glock 20 OEM 10 mm barrel $90
• Glock 35 OEM .40 barrel $50
• Glock 17 Wilson Combat SS match-grade barrel. Light use $120
• P80 940v2/CL rails + extra rear rails I found. $30
• BCM Mod 0 Sopmod stock bnib $50 SOLD
• BCM Mod0 Grip w/ bolt new $20
• DD Grip w/ trigger guard & bolt $22
• FCD OD Green EPC single dimple bnib $61 SOLD
• Sig Virtus 1913 QD socket $8
• Langdon Glock striker control device (backplate) $50
• Ameriglo Glock (std. size frames) orange outline green tritium front sight. minty $30
• Tru Dot competition bright tritium adjustable rear and front. Came off a comp 34 $45
• Emissary Pic handbrake in black. Has small bit broken off, but locks up fine $23
• Arisaka mlok handbrake $35
• BCM 5-slot mlok pic bits x 2 $12
• 18350 battery bundle: 2x modlite & 1 x nitecore $20
• DD pic rail panels set x 3 $18
• Pic ladder bits fde/black and two larue clips $5 (just to cover ship and bubble mailer)

Prices are shipped zelle/venmo/f&f

Hi there,
I own a one bed in a converted flat in South London. It's a terraced house that's been converted into two flats. The upstairs flat is owned by a landlord who has leased his property out to the council who have moved tenants in.
The landlord upstairs illegally converted the flat upstairs to house another resident too - so what is actually very tiny apartment now has three people living under one roof. He did not get planning permission to do this. The council have been informed but haven't done anything about it - it seems that because they're renting the property from him for their social tenants - it feels as though they're unwilling to push back on it.
I've moved in with my partner so my brother and his partner are now living in my flat.
One of the tenants (Let's call him Bill) in the upstairs flat has been threatening my brother and his partner multiple times with violence over simple things like making too much noise when taking out the rubbish. They even called the police on him once after he told them he was going to 'kick their teeth in'
Bill is at home all day - often drunk and constantly cursing out of his window.
Despite his accusations that my brother is too noisy - Bill is constantly arguing with his housemates all day long and sounds like he's dragging furniture across the floors all through the night.
We also notice random cars parking at all hours - which Bill goes out to visit. There's a slight inclination that he may be dealing drugs. Though he's definitely not Pablo Escobar it certainly feels like there's something low-level going on.
At the end of last year I installed a trellis on my part of the outside of the building hoping to grow some vines of the front. Bill has repeatedly been using this trellis as a ladder to climb into the window which he leaves open. I've contacted his landlord to ask him to stop this and make sure that he has a key - which apparently he has been warned about. But Bill has refused to stop doing it. The other day my brother came home to find that the trellis had been completely destroyed - another of the upstairs tenants told him that Bill had fallen off whilst climbing up.
I asked his landlord for money so that I could fix the trellis - the landlord told me to ask Bill. This is obviously not something that comes easy - given that he's often drunk, seems unemployed and has been known to threaten violence.
Given that the council have been refusing to do anything - and the landlord is just as dense...What options do I have here?
Sorry it's very long...but I didn't know what to leave out.

Hello everyone so relative of mine is selling her pontoon ( 1999 Omni Harris Crusier 24ft) due to getting older and hasn’t been using it much anymore.
Rode it yesterday and it was great. Steering was a bit stiff on turning left and right.
She said Maintence guy told her not to sell less than $13k however she wants to sell it for 10k . She got a new motor put in for $6500 a few years ago with very little lake hours. Boat interior seating is near perfect. Flooring is carpet which I do not like I would probably take out and put in vinyl flooring.
What’s your guys thoughts?

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AAA Luxury World Marketplace is proud to present you this wonderful Video about Luxury Yachting World

Considering adding a wall/shelving to the slider door entrance to block it off all together.
It would be a home for my cooler and most used tool bags/boxes on the floor and most used parts/materials in packout above on the wall facing the street making it like a curbside accessible quick grab area.
It would add some interior wall I want to use for my step stool and 5/6ft ladder.
My only reservation would be making the rear doors the only way into the cargo area.
If someone parks too close behind on the street I won't be able to swing the doors open.
It restricts the width of anything object I may need to occasionally transport as the aisle between racking inside is much narrower than the area in front of the promaster slider.
Anyone regret losing the side door entrance for additional storage?

Ive worked at a few shops in a year.
First one, had us climbing a 20 foot ladder to get tires down while the floor was surrounded by truck tires. We'd all throw them down. Doing this one day had the tire flying towards me while I was 20 feet in the air on the ladder. The other guys would climb the shelves like monkeys cause they weren't fat like me.
At a different shop I was doing box truck tires all day with only a regular floor jack supporting the front or rear of the truck. My legs would be under the tire while getting it back on the hub.
Would most managers think thats reasonable to not be okay with doing that everyday?

I am 18+ and all participants and characters must also be 18+.
It was a warm July morning and I was just waking up. I opened my eyes slowly and peered put through the porthole on the side of the wall. Ah, it was looking like it was going to be a gorgeous day. I stretched and yawned as I rolled over the side of the bed and got up. I looked back at you and smiled softly as I didn’t want to disturb your slumber. I then slowly went to the closet and got out of my pajamas and into something casual. After that, I left the bedroom and went up to the main deck and basked in the glory of the sun. It felt so warm and wonderful on my skin. I walked to the front of the yacht, you and I were spending time together on our private boat. A cool breeze blew through my hair and I took a deep breath as I smelled the salty air. The sun was just rising over the horizon and I wondered to myself if I should grab my camera. I shook off the thought and just decided to enjoy the sunrise for what it was, unaware that the coming day would bring us both a plethora of surprises…
Thanks for reading this! If this is something that you’d be interested in feel free to chat me or comment on this post!

Last year I was going through the worst period of my life, a perfect storm of unfortunate circumstances created the worst stress that I could ever imagine. It was so bad, that I had an ego death experience, while being completely sober (though I've never had such a strong experience even on psychedelics). After this life changing event I started my spiritual journey.
I practiced yoga and meditation daily, especially kundalini yoga, which allowed me to feel the energy within me for the first time. I could even heat up my body to the point of feeling a burning sensation.
Then I found this sub and learned about this theory. I was blown away by the level of detail, research and rationality as well as the abscence of new age bullshit. All of this motivated me even more to practice energy work.
One evening, I was doing my meditation and I reached a state that I can't describe. I felt such a strong energy along my spine and my body felt like it was vibrating very hard. Maybe some of you know the feeling of pressure on your third eye, this time I felt such an intense pressure it was pure ecstasy.
The next morning I was awakened by the doorbell, and I answered the door. There was this dude standing in the stairwell, he looked very odd and a bit like a tweaker, the way he was talking sounded almost robotic. He told me he wants to buy my "model railway". I was confused, because I don't have a model railway and I don't use ebay. Then he got angry and said that I should'nt make an offer if I don't sell it. I asked him why he was at my address, but he just stared at me and left.
I got back in and wondered what the hell this weird encounter of the third kind was.
Late at night at 4am (still the same day), when my GF and I were watching a movie, I heard some loud steps on the attic. It sounded like someone was throwing stuff around and moving boxes across the floor. I thought it was our landlord at first, but then remembered that it's 4am.
My GF didn't hear it at first, so I told her to turn off the TV and asked her WTF is this? Then she started screaming and panicking, she thought an intruder is above us. I immediately suspected the ebay weirdo and picked up my pepper gun.
Full of adrenaline, I unlocked the door (the hatch of the attic is located directly in front of our entrance door) but the hatch was closed. Also you would need an external ladder to get up there. I couldn't believe it and felt like I was losing my mind. I felt such a dark presence up there, like it was just up there to screw with me.
The noises stopped after a few minutes and we went to sleep, I locked the bedroom door and felt unsafe in my own home that night.
What do you think I heard that night?

Here is my current mod list, I'm quite proud of it. What do you all think of it? Note: 1. A few of the mods are deactivated, they were all copied together. 2. The mods are not listed in order, they got automatically sorted alphabetically when I copied them.
Moonpath to Elsweyr SSE"
Moons And Stars - Sky Overhaul SKSE"
More Informative Console"
More to Say"
moreHUD Inventory Edition"
Moss Rocks"
Moss Rocks - 3D Rocks Patch"
Mrf's Markarth"
Mrf's Solitude"
Mrf's Solitude - Update"
Nate DBVO Pack - MALE PC"
Natural Hair Colors"
NL_MCM - A Modular MCM Framework"
No Grass In Caves"
No Grass In Objects"
No Grassias - A Universal Grass Fix For Grass Mods"
No Recoil"
No Spinning Death Animation"
Nordic Snow"
Nordic Snow - Projected Diffuse"
Nordic Stonewalls"
NORDIC UI - Compass Markers Restored"
NORDIC UI - Interface Overhaul"
Nordic UI - Menu Cleaned and Upscaled"
NORDIC UI - Miscellaneous Patches"
NORDIC UI - Ultrawide Fixes and Patches"
Nordic UI Ultrawide Patch"
Nordic...ish - A TrueHUD preset based on Nordic UI"
Nordic...ish - A TrueHUD preset based on Nordic UI - Recent Item Widget"
Northborn Scars"
Northfires Photoreal Mountains 3 for Majestic (8K)"
NPC AI Process Position Fix - NG"
NPC Animation Remix (DAR)"
NPCs Names Distributor"
NPCs React To Invisibility"
NPCs Wear Amulets of Mara PLUS"
Obsidian Weathers and Seasons"
Open Civil War SSE"
Optional Round Farmhouse Posts"
OSHA-Compliant Sovengarde Mesh Fixes"
Paarthurnax - Quest Expansion"
PapyrusUtil SE - Modders Scripting Utility Functions"
Paragon gems 4K"
Particle Lights For ENB - Aetherium Shards"
Particle Lights For ENB - Alchemy and Enchanting Tables"
Particle Lights For ENB - Apocypha"
Particle Lights For ENB - Blood Splatter Fix"
Particle Lights For ENB - Bugs in a Jar"
Particle Lights For ENB - Dark Elf Lantern"
Particle Lights For ENB - Dark Elf Lantern Particle Patch"
Particle Lights For ENB - Dragonborn Ingredients"
Particle Lights For ENB - Ingredients"
Particle Lights for ENB - Nirnroot"
Particle Lights For ENB - Paragon Gems"
Particle Lights For ENB - Staff Enchanter"
Particle Lights For ENB - Undead Creatures"
Particle Lights For ENB - Wisps - Witchlight"
Particle Lights For ENB - wSkeever Ingredients"
Particle Patch for ENB"
Payload Interpreter"
PELTAPALOOZA - Special Edition"
Penitus Oculatus Questline"
Pickaxe Redone SSE"
Picta Series - Improved Sky Meshes"
Picta Series - Improved Sky Meshes - Cathedral Version"
Populated Skyrim Reborn SSE"
powerofthree's Papyrus Extender"
powerofthree's Tweaks"
Precision"
Prisoner cart fix SMIM"
Pristine Vanilla Movement"
Project ja-Kha'jay"
Project ja-Kha'jay- Moonpath to Elsweyr Khajiit Overhaul"
Project New Reign - Nemesis Unlimited Behavior Engine"
Quality CubeMaps - HD Cube Maps Optimized"
Quick Light SE"
Race Menu SE - WIdescreen Fix"
RaceMenu"
RaceMenu - Male Khajiit Mouth Expression Fix"
RaceMenu Memory Leak Fix"
Rain Extinguishes Fires"
Rally's Civil War Document Tubes"
Rally's Riekling Outposts"
Reachmen Tribes Names"
Real Rabbits HD"
Real Rabbits HD - SPID Edition"
RealRainSE"
Reanimated NPC Animations"
Relationship Dialogue Overhaul - RDO SE"
Remi UnLux Patch"
Remiel-Custom Voiced Follower"
Remiros' Chitin Armor HD"
Renthal's Waterwheel Remastered"
Reversed Daggers Moveset for MCO"
Riekling Barrels SMIM"
Riften Architectural Details"
Riften Docks Overhaul"
Riften Docks Overhaul - Riften Extension Patch"
Riften Docks Overhaul - SMIM Patch"
Riften Extension - Southwoods District"
RS Children - Populated Skyrim Reborn SSE Patch"
RS Children Overhaul"
Rudification - Rudy Candles Expanded"
Rudy ENB Obsidian Weathers ADDONS and REQUiRED Files"
Rudy HQ - Falling Leaves and Needles SE"
Rudy HQ - Falling Leaves and Needles SE - Yellow Leaves Texture"
Rudy HQ - Hay SE"
Rudy HQ - Miscellaneous SE"
Rudy HQ - More lights for ENB - Daedric weapons"
RUGNAROK - Special Edition"
Ruins Clutter Improved"
Ruins Clutter Improved - Fixes"
Ruins Clutter Improved - Portcullis Collision Fix"
RUSTIC ARMOR and WEAPONS 4k-2k SE"
RUSTIC CLOTHING 4k-2k - Special Edition"
RUSTIC MAPS"
RUSTIC WINDOWS - Special Edition"
SABRECAT.by.Kajuan"
SCAR - Skyrim Combos AI Revolution"
Sconces of Skyrim - Markarth Braziers Improved"
Scrambled Bugs"
Scripts, Utilities and Core Files_separator"
SDA - UnLux"
SDA Patch Hub SE"
SD's Horn Candles SE"
Security Overhaul SKSE - Add-ons"
Security Overhaul SKSE - Lock Variations"
Security Overhaul SKSE - Regional Locks"
Serana Dialogue Add-On"
Serana Re-Imagined"
Serious Civil War Defense for OCW"
Serious Civil War Finale Sieges"
Shaders of Solstheim - Ash and Moss"
Shadow of Skyrim - Nemesis and Alternative Death System"
Show Player In Menus"
Shroud Hearth Barrow Script Fix"
Sigils of Skyrim - Shields"
Sigils of the North - Banners 4k"
Simple Snow Improvements - Giant Obelisks (BOS)"
Simple Snow Improvements - Skyrim (BOS)"
Simplicity of Snow"
SIRENROOT - Deluge of Deceit"
SIRENROOT - HD Texture Pack"
Skeleton Replacer HD"
Skeleton Replacer HD - Lux Patch"
Skeleton Replacer HD - Patch Collection"
SKSE - INI"
SKSE Output"
SKSE Plugins_separator"
SKSE Scripts - v2.0.20"
Sky Idles"
SkyFix SE - HD Blacksmith Signs"
SkyHUD"
Skyland AIO"
Skyland Farmhouse - Farmhouse Door Patch"
Skyland Whiterun - Epic Doors of Whiterun Patch"
Skyland Whiterun - Pompous Door of Whiterun Patch"
Skyrim - A Mountainous Experience"
Skyrim 3D Docks and Boardwalks"
Skyrim 3D Furniture"
Skyrim 3D Furniture - SMIM Patch"
Skyrim 3D Landscapes"
Skyrim 3D Rocks"
Skyrim 3D Windmill"
Skyrim on Skooma"
Skyrim Priority SE AE - skse plugin"
Skyrim Remastered - Caves"
Skyrim Remastered - Glaciers and Ice - IMR Edition"
Skyrim Ultimate Eye Meshe"
Skyrim Ultimate Eye Meshes - Vampire Fixes"
Skyrim Upscaler - DLSS FSR2 XeSS"
Skyrim Upscaler - Patreon BETA"
SkyUI"
Slayable Offspring SKSE"
Sleeping Expanded - Animations and NPC reactions"
Small Nordic Tent Replacer"
SMIM - Quality Addon - Unofficial Material Fix Patch"
SMIM Barrel Expansion - Mead Barrel - Oil Barrel - Butter Churn"
Smoke - Rudy Fix"
Smoking Torches and Candles SSE"
Smooth Moveset"
Smooth Random idle Animation"
SmoothCam"
SmoothCam - Modern Camera Preset"
Solstheim Objects SMIMed"
Sons of Nirn - Whiterun"
Soul Cairn Script Tweaks"
Spell Perk Item Distributor"
Spell Perk Item Distributor OLD"
SpellSword Moveset"
Splashes of Skyrim"
Splashes Of Storms"
Splashes of Storms - Rudy Fix"
SSE Display Tweaks"
SSE Engine Fixes (skse64 plugin)"
Stalhrim Refrozen"
Stalhrim Refrozen - Upscales Textures"
Static Mesh Improvement Mod"
Static Mesh improvement Mod - SMIM - Quality Addon"
Static Mesh Improvement Mod Improvement Mod"
Stockades of Skyrim 3D"
Stones of Solitude - Better Blended Rock Piles"
Storm Lightning for SSE and VR (Minty Lightning 2019)"
Strongholds - Largashbur"
Strongholds - Narzulbur"
Stunning Statues of Skyrim"
Subtle Wind FX"
TAA Deblur"
Take a Seat - New DAR Sitting Animations"
Tamrielic Names"
Tempered Skins for Males - Dressed Version"
Terrain Fixes for CC Mods"
The Eyes Of Beauty SSE"
The Eyes Of Beauty SSE - Elves Edition"
The Second Great War"
The Second Great War - USSEP Patch"
The Taste of Death Improved Shutdown"
TMB Vanilla Armors and Clothes SSE"
To Your Face SE"
Troll.by.Kajuan"
True Directional Movement - Modernized Third Person Gameplay"
TRUE FACES - A Character Enhancement Project"
TrueHUD - HUD Additions"
Unarmed Moveset for MCO"
Undead Snow Elves - Mihail"
UNDERDOG Animations"
Unique Map Weather"
Unique Map Weather - Vanilla Additions"
Unique Skulls HD"
Unique Solstheim Grass"
Unique Solstheim Grass - Complex Grass"
Unofficial High Definition Audio Project"
Unofficial Material Fix"
Unofficial Material Fix - Assorted Mesh Fixes Patch"
Unofficial Moonpath to Elsweyr Patch"
Unofficial Skyrim Special Edition Patch"
UNP Female Body Renewal"
Unreal 4K Mammoth Skeleton ReTexture"
Use Those Blankets"
Valhalla Combat"
Vampire Lines Expansion"
Vampires Have Claws"
Vanargand Animations - Archery"
Vanargand Animations - Sneak Archery"
Vanilla Follower Expansion - Illia (VFE)"
Vanilla hair - Salt and Wind"
Vanilla Makeup HD"
Vanilla Warpaints Absolution"
Veydosebrom Regions"
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“Hey Raz, I got one!” Raz’s voice was cut by static as he called back, “Great! …at quarry …die.” Well, that wasn’t ominous at all, I thought to myself as I adjusted the rear-view mirror to check on the operator I had just blown past. They were doubled over coughing, their gas mask swayed side to side on the ground next to their feet. I don’t know what compelled me to not flatten what I had thought to be an AQ soldier, but I’m glad I didn’t.
I slammed my hummer in reverse, coming to a stop next to the helpless operator. “Hop in bud, we can get you to final exfill yet.” He slowly hauled himself into the bed of my hummer, landing with a dull thud and a groan as he fell onto his back. We cleared the gas, and I was immediately put on edge as my passenger started to gain consciousness. If he was planning anything nefarious, there wasn’t much I could do about it now. “You good back there? Normally I’d stop to send an invite but given the situation that might have just caused more problems.” He leaned through the non-existent rear window, “Nah, I understand man. When we get further from the gas we can stop and squad up. Don’t need to risk lighting each other up if things get hot at the exfill.” I couldn’t help but chuckle, “I don’t think that would be much of an issue regardless. Hey, we didn’t leave any of your friends back there, did we? I know we peeled out pretty quick.” I saw him shake his head and point to our left in the rear-view mirror. “We got split up, but they were running for a car, so I wasn’t too worried.” I followed his finger, a white hatchback cruised along parallel to us, swerving through buildings trying not to eat too many AQ bullets. “Hey boys, Dutch here is gonna roll with us to final. We’ll squad up when we get there.” I was barely able to make out one of his squad mates call out “Tight!” over his earpiece.
“Hey, listen, I’ve got friend I’m rolling with. His name’s Raz, he’s gonna meet us at final. If you see a red, white, and blue LTV, don’t shoot alright.” Raz chimed in, his radio finally clear of the static, “That’s very kind of you to tell them not to shoot me Dutch.” Before I could respond, a black turreted LTV slid out of Said City ahead of us. “Is that your boy Dutch?” I wanted to give my passenger the benefit of the doubt, it is windy in the box after all, he might not have heard me. “Nah man, wrong colour, and he didn’t have a turreted LTV last I saw.” The black LTV continued North along the main road as we cut away into the quarry proper. “Raz, company is headed your way. Looks like it’s just a solo in that truck but you can never be too careful.” “Thanks for the heads up Dutch.”
I rolled to a stop at the base of the helicopter ramp, gently flattening a couple of AQ who were getting a little to close to the bird for comfort, just shy of the battery running dry. The other two operators in the hatchback slid to a stop just down the hill from us. I got out of the hummer, a tad worried that my good fortune was about to come to an end at the hands of these fellas. As they ran up the hill, the notification finally popped. I accepted and ran down the hill to grab the hatchback, breathing a sigh of relief. “Wait, where you goin’ Dutch?” One of my clients called out. “Raz and I will run interference while we wait for the chopper to take off. Any AQ or unfriendly operators are gonna have to go through us.” “You keep talking about this Raz guy, but I’ve yet to see anyone other than that black LTV.” Almost on queue, a black LTV flew up the hill narrowly missing my hatchback. My clients went into a frenzy. “Operators pushing us! Take ‘em down!” The LTV spun in the sand in front of me, a glorious and perfectly oiled moustache glinting in the Al Mazrah sun. “Hold your fire! It’s Raz!” I called from below my clients. I sent an invite to him which he had hopped out and accepted faster than any of these guys could pull the trigger. “You see the operator that was in that earlier?” Raz shook his head, “No, I pulled up on it and they were gone. Must be out on foot somewhere.”
With 5 seconds left on the clock, there wasn’t enough time to go find them, our clients now panicking as they realized we weren’t on the bird. “What are you two doing?!” They shouted from the air as we waved goodbye. “Al Mazrah is our home gentlemen. That bird was never meant for us.” I gave Raz a pat on the shoulder as the gas rapidly approached, another successful day had come to a close.
The clack of a Kastov charging handle was almost unmistakable. We both turned to see the operator from the LTV standing there, rifle honed on us. “Well shit.” Their rifle dropped towards the dirt as they looked back over their shoulder at the nearly out of sight exfill chopper. They pushed through us, wandering towards the North side of the quarry. Raz and I locked eyes, shrugging in unison. That was one of those moments where we really wouldn’t have blamed them for their decision, whatever it might have been. “We better get back to HQ, Compton said I.T dropped off something for you.” Raz said as the gas engulfed us.
“I’m going back to the island boss.” My hands were shaking as I gripped the file folder that I.T had left for me. “Twitch.” “He’s back, it took him a bit, but he’s managed to re-take the castle and hunker down since we last saw him. And if he’s back then we might finally be able to get some proper intel on those blue tracers, direct from the source.” I handed the folder to Raz. He took it, turning to no doubt address the rest of the crew. I grabbed his shoulder, stopping him before he could speak. “Not everybody, not this time. They’ve doubled the defences; we’d be walking into a slaughterhouse.” “Well, you can’t go in there alone, we look out for our own Dutch, you know that.” Raz’s brow tightened, I could tell he was already trying to figure out what my plan was. “I’m bringing Maze and Alex. They’ll provide sniper cover while I infiltrate the castle. I still have my old uniform. As long as they haven’t drastically changed up their callsigns, I should be able to get in undetected.” I could tell Raz wasn’t convinced. “Dutch, like you said, you’d be walking into a slaughterhouse. How does you going in solo make that any better.” “After what happened in the complex…I’m not putting anyone else at risk, I can’t. The Bomb Maker…Twitch, I’ve gotta face him myself. Look him in the eyes so he knows I crawled out of Hell to drag him back down there.” “Alright, I couldn’t really stop you if I wanted to, could I?” Raz shrugged. “No, not unless you shot me, and honestly, I’d take those odds.” I punched his shoulder and started heading for the breakroom to grab Maze and Alex. “You keep that up I’ll be moving you back out to that sea can of yours.” Raz smirked.
The locks took a bit of fighting to get open. While this footlocker had only been on Ashika Island for a few months, the constant spray of salt water had worn away what little integrity it once had. The black uniform, emblazoned with the Rook and Spade of Shadow Company, was still in excellent condition, save for a bullet hole just under where the plate carrier would sit. I paused for a moment, holding it up in the air, memories of the past flooding in. “Not a lot of fond memories in that uniform I take it.” Maze called out from the catwalk in our home away from home. “I think part of the problem is that there are good memories. It’s a little concerning that such fond memories can hide out amongst so much evil.” “We’ve all done things we aren’t proud of. Some of us just did things other people also wouldn’t be proud of either.” Alex chuckled to himself as he cleaned his rifle on the cot next to me. I grimaced, mostly because he was right. I slipped into the old black fatigues and strapped on my old plate carrier. My weapons were all still intact too, I pulled my Taq-56 out of the footlocker, running my fingers over the engraving in the side, ROOK-XLIV. I cycled the charging handle a few times before loading in a fresh magazine and setting it on the cot next to me. I pulled out a pistol belt, two pearl handled revolvers, one with an ebony Rook on the grip, the other, an ebony Spade. Umbra Catavae engraved along each barrel. Maze had come down from the rafters now, a look of mixed intrigue and concern on her face, “I take it those don’t invoke fond memories.” I had done a poor job of hiding my look of disgust. “No, unfortunately they do.” I felt a wave of guilt wash over me. “Each of these was given to me for completing outstanding performance in the field. I did things I’m not proud of, and I was rewarded for it, handsomely. Holding these in my hands, I feel the same pride I had felt when they were first handed to me. It makes me sick.” I strapped the belt around my waist. The pearl handles shining against my all black silhouette. Alex piped up again, “Hey, at least you are trying to make amends for your sins, not many can say the same.” I let out a long sigh, “I suppose you’re right. You both remember the plan?” “Get to the radio towers and start lighting the place up when shit inevitably hits the fan.” Maze grinned. “Close enough.” I pulled my balaclava up and headed for the door.
The guard at the gate didn’t immediately shoot me which gave me some spark of hope that this might work. “In position!” Alex and Maze called out almost simultaneously. “Jinx, you owe me a beer!” Maze rejoiced. “What? Why would I give you a beer for that?” Alex sounded genuinely confused. “Hey, cut the chatter you two, don’t need to give them any reason to not let me in alright.” The guard held up his hand. “I don’t recognize you, let’s see your I.D.” I held up my old I.D card. “Well I’ll be damned, look who crawled out if his grave.” He pulled my mask down to confirm. “You look pretty good for a corpse, though your I.D card is out of regulation. You might want to stop by the I.T guy to get a new one made.” “Thanks, I’ll head right over.” The first thought that came to my mind was Bob. There’s no way he still worked for these assholes, is there.
“You used your old I.D?! You mad man!” Maze cackled over the radio. “Ok, I’ll admit, this wasn’t my greatest plan. I honestly thought they’d just capture me after seeing who I was.” Alex cut me off, “Go with the flow I suppose.” “Spade-499 up one-two.” The local radio channel began to drown out my squad’s comms. “Rook-3468 down one-one” “This is some odd radio traffic Dutch.” Alex quipped. I watched as a Shadow Company mercenary approached a stairwell, each step primed and ready to pop a leg off whichever unfortunate soul chose to ascend. “Spade-5454 up one-two.” “It’s how they know to deactivate the traps.” I whispered into our secure line. I approached the same stairwell. “Rook-44 up one-two.” I could hear the traps audibly click off. The guard at the to put his hand out as I reached the top step. “Sorry, no ghosts allowed on the second floor.” “Ghost? What…” He bent over laughing. “I’m just messing with you man. They said you died holding off the ULF while Bob and Twitch escaped, going out in a blaze of glory. Clearly, they didn’t have their facts straight. Glad to have you back.” I’m glad I had the balaclava on because I was struggling to hide my confusion. Last I checked I was the scape goat for the largest backstab in Shadow Company history, not a hero. I was never a hero when I worked for them. “I take it you are going to see the boss, call up two-zero, we don’t want people to be just guess on the fly, just in case someone tries to sneak in.” If only he knew.
“We don’t have eyes up there Dutch. Whatever happens, you’re on your own.” I could hear a tinge of worry in Alex’s voice. “Just make sure whoever is in here doesn’t get reinforcements.” “You got it!” Alex and Maze both called out in unison. “Jinx, you owe me another beer.” “There’s free beer at headquarters, why would I owe you a beer for that.” Alex called back clearly still confused. “Radio silence please. I’ve got a rat to kill.” I took a deep breath, pulling my Bryson from its sheath, the chrome exterior brushed over with a dull grey to blend in. “Rook-44 up two-zero.”
“Well, well, well. I was wondering when I’d see you again after our last encounter. Urzikstan and Al Mazrah clearly hadn’t kicked your ass enough so you decided to come crawling back to me for another round.” The traps clicked off. “Come on up, I’ve been looking forward to this.” I slowly ascended, keeping my Bryson trained at the top of the stairs, my eyes scanning each stair for an actual trap. As I crested the stairwell, my eyes were immediately drawn to him. His back turned to me, Trophy Systems whirring and clicking around him. “I missed you Dutch. Well, the old you. The one that would shoot through a hostage just to prove a point, the one that would dangle captives from buildings by their collar until they squawked like a bird, and then still dropped them anyways. I miss the Dutch that smoked Keller because his gas mask worked and yours didn’t when we those crazy Russian’s tried to hit us with mustard gas. I still get a little nauseous when I think about you peeling his face out of there.” “I’ve changed Twitch, I’ve moved past all that. I found a calling that doesn’t require me to be a conniving bastard.” Twitch laughed as he turned around, his hands empty. I kept my Bryson trained on him. “That’s what you think I am huh? I prefer shrewd businessman, but if that’s what helps you sleep at night.” He walked to one of the barred windows. “You really think what you and those taxi driving hooligans are doing matters?” “Clearly it does, or you and the Chemist wouldn’t be working so hard to sabotage us.” I took a few steps towards him. “Well, I suppose it matters to one of us. The Chemist and Raz go way back, but you know that. What I care about is the money, and I get a lot of money for helping that crazy bastard try to wipe out your little band of Merry Men.” “And Women. This guy just loves the sound of his own voice. Can I remove his head already? He’s looking right at me, practically begging me to pull the trigger.” I could hear the contempt in Maze’s voice. Twitch always did love a monologue. “You can still fix your mistakes Twitch. Gives us what info you have on those tracers of yours and I might consider not killing you.” I snarled. “When you went soft Dutch, you lost any respect I might have had for you. We are long past the point where you can intimidate me. Besides, any info I did have, is with the Chemist. He paid a handsome sum to get the formula, and really, it was becoming a logistical nightmare to ship enough of those little blue gems across the sea. Better for everyone to have it made close to the front lines.”
“Spade-101 up two-zero.” Bob’s voice cut through the tension. “Well I’ll be, it looks like we are gonna have a little family reunion.” Bob’s head poked up the stairs, “Hey boss, another server bank has shorted out from the sea air, I told you we should invest in better waterproofing the housings but if you still…” He trailed off as I dropped my Bryson, the sling catching it just before it hit the ground, and drawing my two revolvers. “Oh, hey Dutch. Nice to see you too.” Bob stammered. I cocked the hammer on each one, keeping one trained on each of my old squad mates. “Really Bob? Really! I understand you sticking around the day of the heist. But now? After everything that Shadow Company has done to these countries. To its own people.” Before he could respond, a siren blared over the intercom system. “Defensive positions! Hostile operators have breached the perimeter.” “Dutch you’ve got six operators approaching the castle, I think it’s time to bounce.” Maze was drowned out by her own gun fire, her Signal .50 raining death into the courtyard. “Looks like our time is up here Dutch. Since you clearly don’t have los cojones to pull the trigger, you might as well see yourself out, and let me and my men handle this.”
“Fuck it.” The hammer of the first revolver slammed down, dropping Bob instantly. I turned to face Twitch, his face a mix of surprise and pride. “Maybe I was wrong, the old Dutch still lives.” I charged forward, tackling him through the window and off the roof. Both of us lay on the ground, groaning as the chorus of gunfire roared around us. He dove for one of my pistols, but unfortunately for him, I had managed to hold on to the other, putting a round through his arm just before he could grab the gun. He rolled out of the way of the second round, bringing his one working hand up to the radio on his chest. The explosion from the castle threw both of us across the courtyard, debris raining down around us. I felt like I was reliving one of the worst days of my life all over again. I hauled myself to my feet, Shadow Company mercenaries and operators wandered aimlessly through the ashes. Everyone seemed too disoriented to fight. “I think it’s time to leave Dutch.” “I second that.” Maze and Alex were barely audible over the ringing in my ears. “Regroup at the boat. If I’m not there in 5, go without me.” I never heard a response, even if they tried, they wouldn’t have convinced me to leave, not with him still breathing.
I combed through the smoke and fire, carefully checking every nook and cranny I came across but the slippery rat was nowhere to be seen. “Looks like you 3 aren’t thick as thieves after all, eh Dutch. Poor Alex here was left all alone on the beach, no boat to be seen.” Twitch was sucking in air between words, no doubt kept standing by adrenaline. “You lay a finger on him, and I’ll make you wish you had died in that explosion.” I spat into my mic. “Don’t make me wait too long.”
I limped over a hill towards the beach where we were supposed to regroup. “Alex! Where’s Maze?” I called out as I stumbled down the sand bank. Alex didn’t respond, his head held in a tight headlock by Twitch, my second pistol against his temple. “She abandoned you both, and now I get the pleasure of killing you both after yet another betrayal. When will you learn Dutch. This world is a cruel place. Only the strong survive, clearly Maze knew that.” Twitch cut me off before I could retort. “Save the fight me with honour B.S that I know you are gonna spew.” I’m gonna kill you and your buddy and salvage what little I can of this operation. Then maybe retire to Cuba. I do love a good cigar.” “Adios, pendejo!” Alex brought his arm down, the knife concealed in his hand connecting with Twitch’s thigh. Twitch let out a high-pitched yelp, letting loose a round from the revolver which narrowly grazed Alex’s hair. Alex dove into the sand right as Twitch’s shoulder exploded in a pink mist followed shortly by the unmistakable crack of Maze’s Signal .50. I squinted trying to see where the shot came from, all I caught was the glint from her scope in the sun, the boat hardly visible in the rolling surf.
I limped forward, Bryson in hand, chrome starting to show through the worn grey paint. I kicked the revolver away from Twitch, placing a boot on his chest and the barrel of my Bryson against his forehead. He began to mumble and cry, hardly able to string together an understandable sentence. “Save it, you’re gonna need your energy for what comes next.” Our boat slammed into the shore, Maze hopping off, rifle raised and ready. “Oh shit I actually hit that!” “I’m not gonna lie, I thought you’d actually just bailed.” I laughed as she helped Alex to his feet. “You still go those claymores?” I asked Maze as Twitch continued to writhe in panic under my boot. “You wanted the old Dutch, eh Twitch. Ask and you shall receive.” Maze handed me the claymores, while Alex kept sidearm pointed at Twitch. I planted 4 around him, just far enough away that they wouldn’t go off unless he moved. I drew one of my revolvers, popping the cylinder out and emptying all but one round. I gave the cylinder a spin before flicking it closed. I tossed the revolver at Twitch. “Don’t waste that on me. You’ll only regret it in about an hour.” I took my other revolver, and hurled it towards the sea, the pearl grip glinting in the sun as it spun through the air, disappearing into the crashing waves. “Good riddance.” I sighed, that chapter of my life finally ended. Twitch was silent, his whimpering now just deep, laboured breathing. I turned back before I stepped onto the boat, watching as his hand slowly moved to the pistol in the sand next to him. “Well played Dutch, well played.”

Sorry for the long post. there's a lot of info to cover here.
About 4 years ago I reconnected with an old friend from my past. At the time I had been single and living along for a LONG time. She started hanging out at my place and being flirty, so on, so forth. We end up sleeping together one night and a relationship formed after that. At first everything was amazing. We were travelling, I was making new friends and for the first time in my life I feel like I found true happiness. Fast forward 8 months later, we decide to move in together. I thought it was rushed at first, but with my newfound happiness, I figured "hey, this can only work out well". Because of geographical reasons, I move into her house.
For the next year and a half things were going pretty well. we were travelling, having the time of our lives and had spoken more than once about marriage and kids, and the whole future. We were both on the same page. We had problems, there were little arguments, but never any fights. So when the housing market was great, I sold my house. Planning to buy myself a car that I've wanted for a while, and propose. I shouldn't have told her the last part as she now had it in her head that the day I sold that house I was going to buy a ring.
At this point were 2ish years into the relationship (\~16 months of us living together) I noticed she didn't seem to be as happy as she used to be. The smiles and laughs we used to share just didn't seem to be there anymore. She was constantly stressed out by work. It was around this time I noticed there was a drinking problem. She would get loaded and come home late, make excuses for where she had been, treat me like I was "putting her in a box" and then pass out. Next morning, she never seemed to understand why I was upset with her, she didn't remember a thing. If I questioned where she was or what she was doing, she said I was just being jealous. One night, it escalated. She was supposed to be the designated driver for a few of her friends. She ended up being brought home in a uber that night by herself because she got completely hammered and high. To the point she was laying sideways across a toilet with vomit running down her. When I went in to check on her, I found a bag of coke on the floor. This isn't something I'm OK with and I made that extremely clear. that night I snapped a picture of what I saw when I opened the bathroom door. I showed it to her the next morning, she didn't recall any of it. And seemed to be mortified by how she acted when she was drunk and on coke.
She swore she wouldn't do coke again, and the blackout drinking would never happen again.
For the next few weeks she started getting better. The drinking was tapering off and she started to seem happy again. One night, she seemed upset. so I asked her about it. She admitted to me that she had run up a LOT of debt and because she was ashamed of it, she didn't tell me, just went out and got a debt consolidation loan to pay it all off. Of course I was less than pleased that she didn't come to me with this problem, and instead went to her sister. Her rational being that this wouldn't impact my finances so what does it matter. Ok, I said, I can understand the sentiment there and let it go. She was handling the issue. Fun fact, it 100% impacted my finances as I now had to pay for essentially everything except for her half of the mortgage.
Eventually she decided to get a new job, and she bounced around a few of them. Finally landing at the company she worked for when we first started dating. Problem is, she wasn't prepared for the amount of work, which over the next few months started to wear on her more. She would come home complaining and angry, which would kill any good mood I was in. Pretty soon after that, the sex started to go downhill as she was always mad. But I thought "ok, she's in a rut. I've been there before, what can I do to help". I got to the point where I was doing EVERYTHING around the house. I'm doing the cooking, cleaning, taking care of the outside of house, the dogs, the cars. Everything. I figured she'd be less stressed if she didn't have to come home and deal with any of this shit, maybe it would get us back on track. But after a while, I started feeling like she was taking advantage of me. When I would bring these feelings to her attention, she would say it's my "demons", and that I had voices in my head making me think things that aren't real. To the point she wanted me to see a therapist...so I did. after Covid lifted, he couldn't be my therapist anymore (out of state thing) and said "I can refer you to someone else if you want to talk, but you seem to be fine".
I was willing to deal with the issues and the therapy because I truly thought I was going to marry this women, I did and still do love her with my entire heart. That said, I didn't want to marry someone that doesn't have their shit together, so I put my proposal plans on hold and basically spent the next 2 years trying to get her to do the things she was constantly saying she would do. But she never did, so I never proposed.
Fast forward to a month ago, she decides she isn't happy (Thanks, in part, to the neighbor next door who's divorcing her husband for the same reason). She wants to break up. Even her friends tell her it's a mistake and she'd regret it. Not to make rash decisions, but she had already decided she fell out of love with me. She wanted to do a separation. I was willing to try, but in all honesty, I didn't want to. But again, I love her and was willing to do what it takes. we had decided I'd leave that weekend and be gone for a month. But during the week, we changed things to I would be leaving on a Thursday (may as well start now and get this shit over with). So Wednesday night, she goes out to a bar with her cousin and gets drunk, comes home 2-3 hours after she said she would (this has been a HUGE issue for us in the past), and got mad at me for being upset that on our last night together before the separation, she wanted to go get drunk with her cousin. She said that I never told her I was leaving Thursday, but I did. Then she saw that I was looking at houses in the area. While that may seem quick, she hadn't given me any idea of how long of a separation this was actually going to be, and it kept changing.
That Friday I took off work and packed all of my stuff, everything I owned into trucks and moved it out of her house with the exception of a piece of furniture that I simply cannot lift and will have to hire someone to get out. I told her I'd get it out when I could. she was fine with that. I moved into my mothers basement. Still thinking this could be salvaged, I stopped looking at houses. We went out to dinner one night that week and I thought we were going to work things out. She kept saying she just needed time to "work on herself", she could offer me nothing in the way of hope as far as how this relationship would work out. So I kinda looked at it as "if she's taking care of herself, I need to do the same"...So I started looking for houses again. I found one, bought it, and in 1 week, I take possession of it.
We spent 2 weeks not talking at the behest of her sister and mother that said we need a clean break. After that we started talking again, I went over to her house to collect some mail. She kind of randomly said during this separation that sex didn't need to stop as "we both have needs". I talked to a few friends (coincidentally that I met through her, that all seem to be thinking she's in the wrong here), and almost every one of them said NOT to take her up on the sex offer. With the exception of 1 friend that said "hey, it's familiar, may as well take it while it's being offered". So when I went to get some mail from her house later that week (I was in the neighborhood visiting some friends) she offered to cuddle. I'm a big cuddler, and I've had a rough month since she essentially threw me out of her house. Even knowing it was a bad idea, I went along with it because I was desperate for the normalcy and affection that I used to get from her. As you can probably imagine, cuddling didn't last long and admittedly, we had some of the best sex that night we've ever had. Here's the issue. As I suspected (and lied to myself about) I can't separate sex from intimacy's. They are essentially one in the same for me. I've never been a casual sex person. BUT, It was fun, she enjoyed it. Neither of us regret it.
A few days later (last friday) we're at a "celebration of life" of sorts for a friends dog. This is the first time she and I have interacted in front of ALL of our friends. I was alright, till she pulled up in her car. I broke. The glass shards holding me together all fell apart and she could tell I was having a panic attack. She and I walked around the other side of my car for a good 35-40 minutes and talked while I kind of composed myself. She assured me she was in the same boat, just not showing it. It bugs me she can simultaneously be the cause of and solution to my panic attacks. We ended up parting ways as she was going out with her cousins for the evening. I stayed with the friends and managed to wake up at a different friends house the next morning. I'm still not sure how that happened, I guess I had a little too much to drink (Don't worry, I left my car)
Over the past few weeks she's been sending me pictures of things she's doing around the house. All the things I've been asking her to do for years. All the things that, had she done them in a reasonable amount of time, I 100% would have proposed and married her. But she waited until I was gone.
So here I am now. We haven't really talked since that night (Friday), I've been short with her when she does message and I know she can tell. The truth is, as much as I hate it, whenever we talk, I break down. When I see her, it physically hurts. And it's not just in the moment, it takes days to recover. Tonight I was at a friends house (who lives down the street). She drives by and rolls down the window. She asked if it would be alright if she came down for a beer. It's not my house, I'm not saying no. And I told her I'd be leaving in a few minutes anyway. As soon as she pulled away, this friend's wife said that she absolutely still wants to sleep with me, but wants no attachments.
On the way home (I left before she got there), I was pissed. Angry as hell that after 4 years of my life, After destroying every semblance of happiness that I had, she had the audacity to think that I'd just stick around for her pleasure. As if my feelings don't matter at all. Part of me wants nothing more than to take her up on the offer, sleep with her and feel normal again. But I know if I do that, it's going to cause nothing but pain for me as she obviously just wants the benefits of a relationship, without the work involved. The other side of me is just saying to blow her off completely. But how do you write someone off that meant the world to you for the past 4 years?
So to the original question...Am I out of line with any of this? or knowing that if this is going to hurt me, I shouldn't do it? I'm tired of feeling worthless and doubting myself. but more than that, it kills me that she doesn't even seem phased by the fact that she just destroyed my self worth and everything I thought was true.
Sorry for the long post, This has been building for weeks and I'm legitimately lost.
Any help appreciated.

Cover Art!
Just because you’re transported to another world, doesn’t mean you’ll escape from your pain.
Abused by her parents, thirteen-year-old Frances only wants to be safe and for her life not to hurt so much. And when she and her class are transported to the magical world of Durannon to fight the monsters invading the human kingdoms and defeat the self-titled Demon King, Frances is presented with a golden opportunity. If she succeeds, Frances will have the home she never had. If she fails, Frances will be summoned back to the home she escaped.
Yet, despite her newfound magic and friends, Frances finds that trauma is not so easily lost. She is dogged by her abuse and its physical and invisible scars. Not only does she have to learn magic, she has to survive the nightmares of her past, and wrestle with her feelings of doubt and self-loathing.
If she can heal from her trauma, though, she might be able to defeat the Demon King and maybe, just maybe, she can find a home for herself.
Teaser: The Traditionalists last stand...
[The Beginning] [<=Chapter 188] [Chapter Index and Blurb] [Chapter 189 on June 5 or now on patreon]
The Fractured Song Index
Discord Channel Just let me know when you arrive in the server that you’re a Patreon so you can access your special channel.
The first sign that something wasn’t quite the same about the Greenway was when Frances, Timur and their company spotted horsemen in the far distance. They would have assumed this was Thorgoth’s scouts, but these horsemen retreated toward the Greenway and entered into the broken fortifications.
So the group entered into the Greenway fully armored and armed, ready for a fight. They rode into the underground highway, travelled for a full second day and saw nothing the matter.
Then they entered Kairon Aoun.
The ancient goblin city of Kairon Aoun had been built as a defensive city facing north. As such, the city in the great cavern it was carved out of was stepped into four tiers. To access each of the levels, the attacker would have to fight their way up a ramp that ran up the side of the rammed-earth foundation of each tier.
Every tier’s edge was also faced with a brick curtain wall with machicolations built into the ramparts. This was so that stones and other objects could be dropped, wherein they would fall down the steeply stoped sides and slam into the attackers. Many of these ramparts had fallen into disrepair when Morgan, Hattie and Frances had last passed through here.
Except, the moment Frances and her company rode through the Greenway and into the city, they could see it was alive with activity. New ramparts were being built atop of the old. In the distance, they could see old houses had been demolished and cannon batteries had been set up. Holes in the walls were being patched.
“What’s even lighting this whole thing?” Tara whispered.
Morgan pointed at the ceiling. “The ventilation shafts provide some light. I’m not sure how they ended up lighting the entire place up, though.”
“Combination of mirrors through said shafts and a goodly amount of torches,” said Timur. He glanced at Frances. “Did you know about this?”
“No I did not, let’s hope they recognize us as friendly. Colonel Tara, we’ll take the lead,” said Frances, touching her heels to her horse.
The gatehouse on the lowest level, which was protected by a low, thick wall, now swung open and a wing of cavalry rode out, Erisdalian and Lightning Battalion standards flying high.
Timur immediately recognized the troll that lead the group. “Aloudin! It’s me! We’re back!”
Captain Aloudin, eyes wide, broke his horse into a gallop. Riding ahead of the cavalry, he only stopped so that he could slap his hand into Timur’s. “Your Highness, it is good to see you. Though, you really ought not to take such risks! Who are these new arrivals?”
The prince chuckled, squeezing his friend’s hand tightly. “One of those rumored orphan brigades who decided to defect.” Timur gestured behind him. “This is Colonel Tara, who risked her life along with her troops to help us escape.”
Riding up, Tara unsheathed her saber, which she presented it to Aloudin, only for the troll to gently push it back to her.
“There’s no need for that, Colonel. We do things quite differently around here.”
Tara sighed, returning her blade to her scabbard. “I’m beginning to see that. Makes me wonder why I didn’t try to leave earlier.”
“The first step is always the hardest,” said Frances. She shook Aloudin’s hand as well. “What’s going on here, Aloudin? I know our long term goal was to fortify Kairon-Aoun, but we hadn’t the manpower to spare.”
The captain pursed his lips before they twisted into something between a grimace and a smirk. “We got some important news and new orders. I’ll show you. Follow me.”
One thing that Ayax and Elizabeth hadn’t accounted for when they ran up into the attic was the lack of a water source, and any way to dispose of waste.
So by the next day of their hiding, the trio stuck in the attack were wearing cloth masks, thirsty as hell, and hoping the odor wasn’t going to alert anybody.
“This shit stinks,” Leila growled.
Elizabeth touched a hand to Leila’s cheek. The girl’s color had returned and after some very reluctant healing by Ayax, she was now able to sit up. “You’re right, but I think you’re much better now.”
“I feel better.” Leila staggered to her feet, pushing the covers off of her. “Does Janize know you found me?”
Ayax snorted. “We told her while you were napping. She’s pissed.” The troll walked over. “Do you think you’re ready to move?”
“I take it you’ve come up with something?” Leila asked.
Elizabeth pursed her lips. “Yes. You need to convince Janice we need to launch the attack now.”
“Excuse me what? Are you insane? We haven’t—” Leila rubbed her sweat-matted hair with her bandaged hands. “Wait, how long have I been captured?’
“ A week. You were out for one of those days,” said Ayax.
“Then you’re right. Darius will have to make a move now that he knows I’ve disappeared. Wait, Janize doesn’t—Of course she doens’t. She’s cautious by nature. Get her on the mirror right now!”
“You could use please,” said Elizabeth, handing Leila her mirror.
“Leila—”
“Janize, there’s no time. You need to barricade yourself in a safe place with as many guards as possible, perhaps the throneroom and get the attack started by tonight.”
Frowning, the queen’s eyes narrowed as she stared at the mirror with a mixture of confusion. “Love, we haven’t finished preparing—”
“There’s no time! Darius and Scarlet know I’ve been rescued. They’ll attack as soon as they get everything in order because they know you can move to arrest them!” Leila put her hands up to the mirror. “Love, they’ll stop at nothing until you’re dead.”
Janize’s eyes widened and she whispered, “What did they—”
“It doesn’t matter, Janize. Please, you need to issue the orders now!”
The queen exhaled slowly. “Alright. Ayax, Elizabeth, are your forces in place?”
Elizabeth, relaxing a little, smiled. “Martin and Ginger found a way to get to the Water Tower and to deploy reinforcements into the palace. We still need your troops to ensure the Water Tower’s guns are silent and for the main gates of the citadel to be opened to us.”
“It will be done. How are you getting out of Darius’s mansion?” Janize asked.
“When the attack takes place we’ll break out and support the attack,” said Ayax, arms crossed.
Janize pursed her lips. “Then we are going for tonight?”
The three exchanged a glance and all nodded.
“Go for tonight,” said Elizabeth. “Good hunting.”
“Good hunting.” Janize leaned forward, peering intently through the mirror. “Leila, stay alive. No matter what they did to you, you’re still mine you hear me? I still want you by my side.”
Leila blinked. She blinked again furiously and pressed her bandaged hands to her eyes. “I…Janize, thank you.”
Janize smiled. “I love you, dear. See you soon.”
Ayax had turned from the exchange. When the mirror was shut off, she let out a long, shuddering exhale.
“You are terribly lucky to have her,” she said.
Standing up, Elizabeth took Ayax’s elbow, squeezing it gently. The troll placed a hand around Elizabeth’s side, hugging her tightly.
Leila could only bow her head. “I know.”
“Because I probably would have killed you if it weren’t for her,” hissed the troll. She swallowed. “And not because of our agreement.”
The Otherworlder looked up. “Why then?”
Biting her lip Ayax stammered, “I couldn’t kill someone who doesn’t want to hurt me when they have a loved one. There’s no…no justice in that.”
With that, Ayax walked to the corner of the attack. Elizabeth gave Leila a look. “When you’re ready, we ought to call George and the Otherworlders, give them a heads up and communicate our plans.” Elizabeth then ran after Ayax, interweaving her fingers with the troll. They left Leila standing in her corner, in her own thoughts.
Half-choking, her hate-filled grunts punctuated by hacking coughs, Jessica followed Ginger down the sewer.
“I hate you. I hate you so fucking much!” she hissed.
Half-gagging herself from the smell, Ginger glanced over her shoulder and shrugged. “Hey, I just suggested it to you. You wanted to help rescue Leila.”
Two middle-fingers was Jessica’s response along with a chuckle from the Erisdalians that were part of Jessica’s unit and new band of comrades.
Ginger joined them in their chuckling. She knew she could rely on Jessica and the rest of her group. Besides, their attack was going to be much easier than what her fiance was going to be doing up high.
Taking cover behind a slightly holed house, Martin examined the area in front of the citadel.
The Lightning Battalion’s batteries had been keeping up a very long barrage. Mortars and long cannon had pounded the makeshift defense line of houses on Castle Way. After hours of bombardment, they’d breached the line.
The result was flat, rubble-covered broken ground that led up to the moat in front of the citadel and main palace within. They had no hope of knocking down every house. Houses still stood on the flanks of the Citadel, covering the road that led up to the castle’s side gate. There were also a number of houses standing on the main approach, though, this actually was better for their plans. The remaining stone foundations of the houses and charred remains in the gap would be able to cover the advance.
The bigger problem was the walls in front of them were mostly intact and the gatehouse’s drawbridge was up. Their mages could cast smoke or illusion spells to screen their approach, but that would do no good if the drawbridge was still up and the gatehouse in enemy hands.
Martin breathed in and out slowly. No, they were entirely reliant on Janize keeping up her end of the bargain.
Sitting in the throne room, Janize steepled her fingers, eyes focused on the steps to the dais.
Was her decision correct? Was she making the right choice? Had she considered everything?
Those thoughts ran in her head as she studied the carpet. The sounds of her guards and knights preparing the throne room and ensuring the main entrance was secured echoed in her ear. Yet she did her best to ignore them.
If she went through with this, she knew she’d never sit on Erisdale’s throne again. Her brother would be the last to sit on the throne and then it would be House of Conthwaite, the house of a knight and later, his offspring with a common soldier.
How had it come to this? Why had she put herself here?
The image of a fierce Otherworlder came to mind, along with the litany of decisions she’d made. Siding with Darius, rejecting the Alavari as monsters, falling in love and then realizing where she’d gone wrong. The news of the dragons in Thorgoth’s employ.
Maybe it wasn’t so bad. Maybe there was still hope. At the very least, she still had Leila.
The Otherworlder, George marched up to the dais and bowed. “Your Majesty, we’re ready to open the gates. The Water Tower’s received their orders.”
Janize sighed. “To think that there was a route to the citadel through the sewers.”
George chuckled. “At least we’re making them suffer for it.”
The queen pursed her lips. “Tell me, George. You fought against Ayax and Elizabeth at Lehrbach. You sided against them. All the Otherworlders here sided against them. Why are you willing to fight alongside them once again?”
The teen—no, young man looked away, towards the windows that lit the hall.
“I think after a year of fighting with Darius in earnest, we all realized we’d made a mistake. We’re not from your world, but we learnt enough in our own that this… what Darius was doing is wrong and no different from the worst villains from our world. We weren’t fighting Alavari, we were fighting other humans. We just…didn’t know what to do about it. So when you and Leila told us about the plan, and that we would have a chance to actually fight Thorgoth, to protect people from a world ending threat, we all jumped on it.”
Janize snorted. “You’re going to have a heck of a time convincing the other Otherworlders.”
George sighed. “We all know that, but hey, they are going to need us. I mean we are going to be fighting literal dragons.”
“That is true.” Janize closed her eyes and nodded. “Carry it out, George. Get those gates open and signal the Water Tower.”
George saluted. “Yes, Your Majesty. It’s been an honor and a pleasure.”
Through her spyglass, wrapped warmly in her bright orange cloak, the Erlenbergian mage, Ophelia Voidsailor watched the coast with her spyglass.
Despite the years Erlenberg had fought Alavaria along the northern front, and through all the naval battles on the eastern coast, Ophelia still wore orange. It’d become her calling card of sorts and she knew it gave the crew of her ship comfort to see her strut around. Honestly, she was getting a little tired of the color, but she liked the attention more.
Beside her, looking through his own spyglass, the one-eyed Eustace Windwhistler glanced at the sky. “It’s about time,” said Edana’s brother.
“I know—I see it!” Ophelia exclaimed. Before her eyes, the Water Tower, the main obstacle to the Erlenbergian fleets advance, had lowered the red banner of the traditionalist. A blue banner was being run up and more blue flares were being fired into the sky by some mage.
Eustace looked through his spyglass and nodded. “Signal to the fleet! Follow my lead. We are attacking!”
Flags ran up and down on the galloen Stormcaller, which had been named as such much to her namesake’s consternation and embarrassment. Behind Eustace and Ophelia’s warship, the long lineof Erlenbergian ships of the line ran flags up and down in acknowledgement. The entire line then followed the Stormcaller as it swung starboard toward the bay.
Underneath the Water Tower, Ginger found a ladder had been dropped into the sewer. Gingerly taking the rungs, she climbed up and was helped up by several red-uniformed harbour guardsmen. A petite woman with a musket slung over her shoulder handed Ginger a clean rag.
“Wow you stink, but I’m glad to see you. Captain Belinda of the Harbour Guard.”
“Ginger, yes, that Ginger. Are Darius’s troops reacting?”
“They are indeed. Several regiments have filed out of the Citadel and are making their way here as we speak. How many have you brought?” Belinda asked.
“A whole regiment of crack musketeers are behind me to help you secure the tower. The Erlenbergian fleet is landing marines. We’ll be fine, I’m just worried about the main assault,” said Ginger. She wiped her face and hands. “Show me the battlements. I’ll get my soldiers set up along with yours.”
“This way,” said Belinda, guiding Ginger out.
Ayax and Elizabeth silently crept down the drop-down attic stairs. Behind them, carrying a spare wand, Leila limped as quietly as she could. They could hear shouting in the mansion and the scurrying of people on the lower floors.
The trio paused to quickly grab a drink of water from a nearby pitcher left by the servants for any houseguests, before continuing on. From what they could tell, someone was having a heated discussion in the foye.
As they got closer to the staircase, they soon could figure out who.
“Janize is making her move and the Lightning Battalion must be close behind. The Erlenbergian fleet is moving in and the Water Tower is not firing on them.”
“There’s no need to panic—” “Scarlet, your fucking plan has accelerated Janize and the Lightning Battalion’s timetable! We’re fucked. We’re all probably dead.”
There was a sharp intake of breath. The three heard Scarlet growl, “Alright, I was…overly optimistic that the Lightning Battalion and Janize would split due to that report, but we only need to secure Janize and the Citadel and our position will still be quite strong.”
“I disagree, but Janize won’t have long. My troops led by Vulpina are converging on the throne room as we speak. Otherworlders or not, she can’t hold for long.” Darius chuckled dryly. “We might all die in the attempt to oust her, and hell she may be killed, but we won’t let her have the last laugh.”
Ayax turned to the two humans with her. “Liz, Leila, go. I’ll try to pin them down here.”
Elizabeth blinked. “Wait, but Ayax—”
“Liz, if we lose Janize, we’ll lose the civil war. You got to go.”
Elizabeth briefly closed her eyes and nodded. Grabbing onto Ayax, she drew her troll close to her and into a brief, fierce kiss. “Come back to me, alright?”
Ayax managed a smirk. “Always.”
Elizabeth turned to Leila. “Let’s go—what are you—” The Otherworlder had knelt on the ground her head bowed.
“Ayax, I’m sorry. I promise you can do whatever you want to me after you save Janize, but please, let me save her first,” said Leila, she lowered her head, but Ayax quickly grabbed her by the shirt and yanked her up. It was easy as the girl was still very light.
“This is not the time. I accept your promise, but we’ll talk later. Now go!” Ayax hissed.
Nodding, Elizabeth grabbed Leila and the pair took off in the opposite direction. Meanwhile, Ayax took a deep breath and walked up toward the balcony overlooking the foye.
Darius was pacing, whilst Scarlet was biting her finger, one hand gripped tightly around her staff.
“What if they breach the gatehouse?” Scarlet asked.
“There’s no way that force assembling outside can breach the gatehouse. They’ll need—”
“Earl Darius, Master Scarlet, I have waited a long time for this moment.” Ayax leaned casually against the railing, noting the fine, polished grain. “Do you know who I am?”
Darius, eyes staring up at her, took a step back. “Ayax the Blackgale.”
“Daughter of Allaniel the Valorous, who you had murdered,” Ayax hissed.
Scarlet ripped her heavy cloak off and gripped her staff in both hands, which had a number of rings on the fingers. Her eyes narrowed at Ayax. “So it was you who rescued Leila. I thought you would kill her.”
“You certainly tempted me, but she was just the instrument. It was you two who had my parents killed.” Raising her staff, Ayax growled. “Prepare to die.”
Scarlet waved the earl off. “Darius, go, deal with Janize. I can handle her.”
Darius arched an eyebrow even as he grabbed the main door’s handle. “Are you sure?”
Scarlet smirked. “She’s no Frances Stormcaller. Just an angry little troll.”
“I’m a pissed off troll.” Ayax leapt over the railing, throwing several spell cards at Scarlet. The woman waved her hand, magical rings activating to form a barrier. The cards slammed into it, sparking and banging. It would have knocked her back, but the barrier dissipated the force.
No matter, Ayax landed nimbly on the carpet and whirling her staff, slammed it into Scarlet’s barrier. Darius had run for it, slamming the doors behind him. Ayaxs’s blow sent Scarlet smashing through those closed doors, nearly throwing her onto Darius.
The Red Order Mage picked herself off the grown, dusting off her robes. “Ah I see the familial resemblance now you monster. You and your adoptive ‘cousin’ are just fucking irritating.”
Ayax was about to quip back, but found herself pursing her lips as a thought ran through her head. “You know, if you were just a little nicer, just a bit more understanding, you could have gotten along with Frances. It’s really hard to not get along with her.”
Scarlet’s snarl faded and she grimaced. “She wouldn’t have been my student, but Edana’s. Now are you going to kill me, Blackgale, one of the people who helped murder your parents, or are you going to talk me to death?”
Ayax flinched, feeling the swirling vortex of power bubble in her very core as her fury sparked. At the same time, a serene, piercing idea just echoed through her head. It was not really a revelation, more of an observation she’d noticed about Leila, Darius and now Scarlet.
“You all are awfully insistent on dying. Why don’t you all just…give up? Live?” Ayax asked. The pair were circling now, ready to let loose with spells at any sign of weakness or an opening.
Scarlet snorted. “Would you let me and Darius live?”
Ayax paused, watching Scarlet continue to circle. When the troll didn’t move, only followed her with her eyes, the mage stopped and tried to circle in the other direction. Still Ayax didn’t move, she just remained still, staff at the ready.
“If you all surrendered and submitted to a trial, I would,” said Ayax. There was still turmoil, rage, roiling in her heart. Yet, she was starting to feel another emotion that calmed her, despite how odd it felt.
The Red Order Mage blinked, before she sneered. “Then you are a naive fool.” She twirled her staff, the ends bursting into flame as she sang. Fireballs tore toward Ayax.
The troll dodged, not flamboyantly. She just stepped out of the way, shuffling and stepping from side to side. No fancy shielding required, no complicated jumps needed. Scarlet cast, and continued to cast. Whips of crimson magic were followed by cobblestones torn from the road. Ayax had to briefly block those with a quick shield, before twisting out of the way.
Shifting her grip on her staff, Ayax pulled her weapon to her side, as if she was drawing a sword. Crying out a string of Word of Powers, she whipped it across.
The staff suddenly extended, dark-blue magic lengthening it until a incredibly long, thin rod of magic crashed into Scarlet’s side. It sent her tumbling through a hedge and onto the lawn of Darius’s mansion.
Leaping over said hedgerow, Ayax rolled to a perfect landing on the other side. Scarlet had staggered to her feet, wiping blood from the scratches on her arm and face. She was already wincing as she touched her side.
Ayax thought she would be taking pleasure from this. Well, part of her was. She was happy she was kicking Scarlet’s butt. Yet, the part of her that was choosing to be calm, to think and be a good person felt an entirely different emotion.
Pity.
Pity for how pointless this whole battle was, pity for how this woman and her allies had hurt so many and seemed so unhappy with their lives. There was disgust and anger, and yet when Ayax thought about what she had, and what Scarlet lacked, she found that anger seeping away.
“Scarlet, this is your last chance. Surrender now,” said Ayax.
“To you? Not to Edana Firehand, or even Frances Stormcaller? But to their lackey? A second-rate battle mage?” Scarlet spat on the ground and raised her staff again. “I’d rather fucking die.”
The troll sighed. “So be it.”
Author’s Note: Ayax is getting ahold of her anger. It hasn’t been easy to figure out how her feelings changed but I decided to approach it from the idea that she’s matured as a person and has started to take more perspectives, something that she’s always struggled with.

The fear of long words.
Yes, whoever coined such a long name for this phobia was cruel. I’ve heard that joke a thousand times. But do you know what isn’t funny? The story of why I fear long words. And it’s a story that I’m going to tell here in the hope that it makes people think twice before being callous. I can’t speak for others with this phobia, of course, but I can tell you how it began for me.
It was 2005, and I was 10 years old. My friends and I were watching Mary Poppins. Amy, Stephanie, Brandon, my little brother, and me.
“Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious,” I proudly said, pointing at the piece of paper on which I’d just written the word.
Amy beamed. “You’re so smart, James!”
I caught Brandon eyeing her coldly, but I pretended not to notice. I just thought him to be troubled. Unloved at home by his drunken dad. Envious of my relationship with Amy. Angry at the world. All of the above.
But there was more to Brandon than that. Or less, depending on how you look at it. And however you look at it, what happened next was a horror beyond words. In fact, after all of this time, I’ve finally decided that there isn’t a word for what happened next. And I know plenty of words. That’s what started everything.
“James,” Brandon said as we were walking out of school. “What would you say to a Spelling Bee at my house?”
I shrugged. “Sure. I guess.”
He was quiet for the duration of the walk home. As I said, he was always an unusual, unnerving boy, but I have to admit that he seemed particularly unhinged on this particular evening. I noticed that his driveway was empty as we approached the front door.
“Do your parents know I’m coming over?” I asked.
“Let’s go up to the den,” He said, averting my question and guiding me upstairs.
“Are we allowed, Brandon?” I asked, as he pulled on the string to the attic door. “Where are your parents?”
“They’re away,” Brandon said, beginning to climb the ladder. “Come on. It’s time for the Spelling Bee.”
He turned on the light in the attic, and I followed him into what I can only describe as the first of many traumatic memories. Chained to plastic chairs – yes, chained by a 10-year-old – were my friends and my brother. Stephanie, Amy, and Tom. They were all crying.
“What have you done?” I squealed. “Let them go!”
“Did you not wonder where everyone had gone during our lunch break, James?” Brandon asked. “I thought you were smart.”
“James,” Tom bawled. “I want to go home.”
“I’m gonna untie you,” I said, striding towards his chair. “One second.”
But Brandon lunged at me, pinning me to the rickety floorboards of the attic and wafting a multi-buttoned remote before my eyes.
“That isn’t how the Spelling Bee works, James,” Brandon hissed, dark eyes burrowing into my soul. “If you step out of line again, I press this button and… You don’t want to know what it does to your friends and poor little Tom.”
“I… I’m not little…” Tom whimpered.
Brandon leaned towards my ear and whispered quietly. “By the time we’re finished, he’ll be the littlest thing you’ve ever seen.”
“Just tell me what to do,” I cried.
Brandon smiled wickedly. “Three words. That’s it, James. The world’s easiest Spelling Bee. A word for each of them – Stephanie, Amy, and Tom. Spell each word correctly, and I set them free.”
“And if I fail?” I asked.
“It’s not a pass or fail situation, James. You’ll spell each word, letter by letter. As soon as you get a letter incorrect – sorry, if you get a letter incorrect – I’ll tell you the correct letter and repeat the word so you can continue.”
“But what’s the catch?” I asked quietly.
“Well, there’s a price for my assistance,” He said thoughtfully. “It’s like Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. You’d be using a lifeline. I’d have to… creatively… write the correct letter on the whiteboard for you. You lose if… well, we’ll get to that.”
Brandon gestured to a whiteboard stand to the side of my three loved ones. I couldn’t see a marker pen.
“Right, shall we start with Stephanie?” Brandon asked.
“Wait…” I whispered.
“The word is Pulchritudinous.”
I inhaled deeply, preparing to best Brandon at his demented idea of a prank, but I had no idea as to how deep his insanity ran. I was about to find out.
“P… U… L… C… H… R… I… D–”
“– T, not D,” Brandon said.
Then something horrifying happened. Brandon produced a pair of hedge trimmers from a small duffel bag on the floor and took long strides towards Stephanie. He clipped, clipped, clipped, clipped, and clipped.
She wailed as five fingers were severed, one by one, from her left hand. I screamed, as did Amy and Tom. A fountain of blood gushed from the stubs on Stephanie’s hand, and Brandon sinisterly shaped each of the five fingers into various formations.
He was spelling the word with her body parts. Sellotaping P, U, L, C, and H to the whiteboard, much to my horror.
“Need more,” Brandon hissed, a deranged glint in his eyes.
Stephanie was too weakened by blood loss to resist Brandon as he clipped away at her right hand, severing those fingers and moulding them into letters too. Our cries of horror must’ve carried a good mile, but Brandon’s family lived on an isolated plot of land.
“There we go. R, I, and T. T, James, not D. Pulchritudinous. Go on.”
“P… U… L… C… H… R… I… T… U… D… I… N… O… U… S.”
“Wow, James. Just wow. Second try? You really are a genius. And I’m a man of my word!”
Brandon pressed a smaller button beneath the big red one on the remote, and Stephanie’s chains loosened. Bawling, she fell to her knees and began to crawl across the attic floor, holding her stumped, fingerless, bloodied hands before her. But it was already too late – she didn’t even make it to the attic door before crumpling lifelessly and staring at me with unblinking eyes.
“Most unfortunate. Anyway, moving on to Amy. The word is Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis,” Brandon said.
Still unwilling to grapple with the terror of Stephanie’s death, I found myself collapsing to my knees and spelling Amy’s word before my brain had even caught up – I was in shock.
“P… N… E… U… M… O… N… O… U… L… T… R… A… M… I… C… R… O… L–”
“– L? What?” Brandon sighed. “The correct letter, after O, is S. This is going to be a long one, James…”
I could only observe from my knelt position on the floor as Brandon spelled out the eighteen letters I’d done correctly, plus the nineteenth that he revealed. Nineteen body parts. You can’t imagine my horror as I watched Brandon inflict the same terror upon Amy that he inflicted upon Stephanie. And when he had ten fingers on his whiteboard, what did he use next?
Not toes, as one might have hoped, to give Amy a fighting chance at surviving. No. He clipped her arms. I screeched at the top of my lungs, eyes swimming with terrified tears as Amy’s head swiftly lolled forwards, blood gushing from the open wounds on her torso. And yet Brandon continued to hack up her dismembered body parts, contorting them into each letter of the word and sellotaping them to the whiteboard.
“P… N… E… U… M… O… N… O… U… L… T… R… A… M… I… C… R… O… S... Well, I would say to continue, James, but… it appears you’ve failed. I don’t think poor Amy is moving, is she? That’s how you lose, James,” Brandon faux-sniffled, walking over to her limp corpse and puppeteering her lips. “You’re oh-so-smart, James. Why couldn’t you spell the word properly?”
I wailed inconsolably, horrified by the unfathomably and graphically gruesome spectacle before me. As I collapsed into a ball on the ground, my tormentor continued.
“Now, according to the Oxford Dictionary, pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis is the longest word in the English language,” Brandon said, unfazed by my hyperventilation. “But did you know that there exists another word – a far longer word?”
I sobbed, unable to breathe properly – nostrils clogged with snot bubbles, and cheeks strewn with tears.
“The Titin protein is the largest protein in the human body, which is why its full name is such an obscenely long word. 189,819 letters, to be exact. So, that brings us to Tom. And the third word is...”
I would include it here, but it’s far too long for a Reddit post.
You can imagine how many times I failed to spell a 189,819-letter-long word correctly. And though I’d accepted that I couldn’t save my baby brother, I hadn’t expected Brandon to make Tom’s end so horribly drawn-out.
The monster plucked minuscule strips of flesh from my little brother’s body to form the letters of the 189,819-letter word. I kept trying to spell it, watching as Tom bled out hauntingly slowly. He sobbed for the first hour or so, before uttering little more than the occasional hoarse grunt or inaudible whisper. Letter-shaped wounds formed where my brother’s skin had been, and Brandon continued to spell the word along the floor after he’d run out of room on the whiteboard.
It took hours for my brother to finally fall still, but Brandon didn’t stop, even after Tom’s death – after I lost. He made me finish the word.
We used up every last piece of my brother’s body to spell out the full word – limbs, eyes, innards, and bones. I don’t know why I kept spelling. There was nothing that Brandon held over me. My only explanation is that sheer shock drove me onwards. Horror at what I’d witnessed. A disconnect from reality.
When the word was finished, Brandon silently left the attic.
I eventually returned to the real world, in a sense, and called the police. It’s hard to explain what followed. I know that Brandon’s parents were found in their bed, throats slit. Their cars were in the garage.
The demented boy has been missing for eighteen years, and my town has never been the same. I’ve never been the same. As I type this post now, I don’t see letters. Not really.
I see body parts.
X

I feel guilty complaining, because I know there are people who have it worse. But everyone's struggles are valid so here goes...
For years Ive dealt with issues doctors couldnt diagnose and theyve just labled it 'inflamation' or 'arthritis'. At this point I don't know what to believe and its wearing me out. Im only 22 (F) so of course I get the people saying "youre too young for (insert issue here)". Ive had to start antidepressants because of it because it has been getting to me. Im the breadwinner of my household and work a very strenuous job building boats and by the end of my shift I can hardly move.
My leg muscles, after just a day of use, get so stiff and painful and refuse to relax. There are times when I will go to take a step and will get an excruciating jolt of pain up the front of my thigh that literally makes me yelp in pain. Often accompanied by sudden muscle weakness and if theres nothing around me to grab onto, I will fall because my stupid leg doesnt have the strength to hold me up. I only weigh 150, which is pretty standard for me.
Sometimes this goes on for days, weeks, months. Then it suddenly disappears and lets me start thinking Im okay or getting better. Until it comes back without warning and Im left wondering what I did wrong. Ive spent so much money on therapy and trigger point massage and the like to try and help but nothing will work. Anti inflamitory medication gave me stomach ulcers so my doctor decided we wont go that route anymore.
I have panic attacks now as well, and those didnt start until I started having these problems.
Sometimes I just wish it would break altogether. Or ive dreampt of it getting amputated. Sometimes I want to hurt myself because of it. Ive given myself huge bruises from punching my leg because nothing else works. Im just stuck with this useless limb that seems to have a mind of its own. I have a life to live and I dont want to be slowed down but yet the body I am stuck in is the very thing keeping me from living the way I want to.
Beyond just the physical pain and the depression, theres the way other people see me as well. Im young, so of course people assume i have a perfect functioning body, so when Im in pain they think im faking, they think im whining, they think I can just take pain medicine. They think Im lazy. I have an invisible issue and nobody understands it. I want to work, I want to be active, I want to function as Im expected to but I can't even walk most of the time. What if it gets worse? What if I never get better? Im just stuck forever in pain, stuck being the breadwinner...for the rest of my life? And I want kids eventually but how can I be a mother on top of all that?
This cant be how it was meant to go. Theres no explanation for any of this.

I just purchased a garmin echomap 73sv with a gt54 uhd transducer. I’m planning to install it on my late fathers johnboat I’m trying to get going again. I’m curious if the heading sensor can be mounted elsewhere other than the trolling motor which is very retro in front of the boat. And if I do will the heading sensor work out of the water when I’m traveling? This new technology can be quite exciting but confusing. Just looking for some insight, tips and tricks for installing this equipment. Any help or info is greatly appreciated.